ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
