When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
