I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
