Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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