I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Randomize