If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Randomize
