Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
