if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
