I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
