all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
