Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize