Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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