remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
