i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
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