I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
