I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
