I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
