I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
