ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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