Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize