at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize