saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
