Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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