I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
