Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Randomize
