Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
