There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
