So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
