I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
