dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
She told me I should be a condom model.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize