he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
