Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
