did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
