she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
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