I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
