That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
