What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
