I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Randomize
