He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
it's like heaven, but drunker
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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