you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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