I think I died a long time ago.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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