there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
