Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I currently don't understand fingers.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
