Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
This baby is an asshole
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
