So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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