It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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