Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
