I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
