If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
