The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
