Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
jump out the window naked night went bad
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
