My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
