Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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