In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
