I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
