I puked a lego.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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