I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
