wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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