i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
