sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize