Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
