hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
