i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
