And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
