I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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