anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize