I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
