i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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