I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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